


if i'm not anyone, will you see me as somebody?

by vanillamoss



Category: SCP Foundation
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, Not Beta Read, Past Abuse, References to Canon, btw if you dont know 4231, its clefs backstory, pleeeeenty of mistakes lol ill post better shit later, so if youre not comfy with that please dont read!!, this heavily references the events of 4231, this isnt great i also wrote this in like. 30 minutes sorry, trigger warning for vomiting i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21514360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanillamoss/pseuds/vanillamoss
Summary: He cannot breathe, but he cannot see either.She would be disappointed.aka; clef has a nightmare and kondraki comforts him
Relationships: Dr. Alto Clef/Dr. Benjamin Kondraki
Comments: 5
Kudos: 131





	if i'm not anyone, will you see me as somebody?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> First off, this wasn't formatted for a computer, so it looks better visually on the phone. I wrote it on the computer though, which is strange. Secondly, I wrote this in a *really* short amount of time, so I'm well aware of the grammatical errors and the incredibly off paragraph formatting. Sorry! Thirdly, I've never actually written something like this? I mean like, I've never written for SCP before, nor have I tried to write nightmares. I'm more of a physical horror writer, not a psychological one, but! It was a fun drabble to get me out of writers block :)  
> Thanks!  
> p.s., like the tags say, please don't read if you're uncomfortable with 4231 or referenced abuse! thanksss

_ “Alto!” _

The voice sounded distant, but at the same time, it sounded impossibly close.

It wasn’t like he could properly listen, anyways. It was all drowned out by the sound of harsh retching, of painful heaves, and a horribly wet sound. 

He felt like he was alone and crowded at once, like the walls were never going to be near again, but that was still too close. Everything was too close. 

Desperately, he tried to remember how to calm down, but he couldn’t. It wouldn’t come to his mind- but dirty, burning flood water came pouring out of his mouth, tickling the inside of his throat, stinging his tongue.

With a gasp, the man grasped his own chest, digging dull, bitten fingernails into the soaked front of his shirt. He wasn’t sure why, but he had to hold himself, had to provide some comfort through this. 

His spine trembled with a ghostly shiver, the feeling of perfectly manicured nails dragging across his skin haunting him like a tune long forgotten. He wouldn’t get out of this. 

A small sob passed his lips as he hunched over himself again- and it briefly seemed like his feet were touching the floor now, but he couldn’t see, he didn’t want to open his eyes, and his whole body  _ ached,  _ burned like he had been running down a hallway for hours, with the sharp scent of bile starting to sting his nose. Another wave of flood water shook his muscles, and for a moment, the unnamed man felt like he would drown in this. 

Like he would drown, alone. An unnamed, unwanted figure, claimed only by-

_ “Alto!”  _

There it was again, but he shook his head, and he could feel the sweat sticking his hair to his forehead. Distantly, he wondered if he was crying.  _ She  _ never liked it when he cried.

“No, no, no, no!” He whimpered, moving his dampened hands to cup his own cheeks, to bury his face in. Another pair of warmer, gentler hands wrapped around his wrists, and the man flinched, trembled when the second pair didn’t waver. Didn’t move. 

_ “You’re- shit, man. You gotta breathe,”  _ he thought the voice spoke, but it sounded like the owner was miles away, speaking through an ocean of water. 

“I-” he started, cut off by his own sob, by his own trembling cry. He could feel the nails again, but worse, he could feel… well, a lot of things. The worst, however, was his own realization that he’d leaned into the second body, letting his tears drip from his cheeks and onto their lap. 

Gasping for breath, he felt like a fish out of water, and his lungs cried for more air. Through his sobs, he could only muster so much, but there was a hand on his back, and it was rubbing circles, not digging into the space between his shoulder blades with a sheen of one-sided lust. 

“I’m sorry,” Alto Clef whispered, and it was the first time in a long time that he meant it, that the statement had value to his mind. “I don’t…” 

“Shit, you had me so fucking worried! What- what  _ was  _ that? I- should I call someone?” The voice asked, and for the first time all night, Alto cracked open his eyes to stare up at the person, meeting eyes with Benjamin Kondraki. 

Opening his mouth to say something, Clef’s upper body trembled with a second chill, and he desperately SHOOK his head. No, no- it was bad enough Kondraki saw this- this wasn’t natural, now he  _ knows.  _ He was certain that Ben was aware, and now- oh, Clef wasn’t ready to be  _ four-two-three-one  _ again. He wasn’t ready to have his rights revoked, because he had a class on Tuesday, and he had a bet with… someone, whose name he couldn’t remember. 

Kondraki nodded, rubbing Clef’s shoulder. “Yeah, uh, that’s cool. I just… what in the hell was that?”

“Nightmare.” The blonde muttered, feeling his lower jaw tremble. “‘S not good,” 

“I can see that. You… well, I’ve got laundry.” Kondraki chuckled, and Clef’s eyebrows furrowed. 

“Can’t see anything.”

“The lamp’s off, Alto. Didn’t think you’d want it on at… ehh…” he leaned over Clef’s figure to stare at the digital clock on his nightstand. “Three forty-seven in the morning.”

“I didn’t mean to wake you…” 

“That’s fine.” Ben muttered, raising a hand to brush some of Clef’s sweaty hair from his forehead, getting a good look at his face in the barely-lit room. “I’m not mad, I lived through too many years of a kid telling me he puked at three in the morning.”

Alto didn’t reply, but took another deep breath, pressing his lips into a thin line. Carefully, he considered his next words, but scrapped the thought. Instead, he closed his eyes again and focused on levelling his breathing, on making the rate of his heart more even. He was too old to be dealing with an irregular heartbeat and have it be fine. 

“I’m just worried about you.”

With a sharp inhale, Clef shook his head, burying his face in his hands again. “No! No, don’t- I… thanks,” 

“Seriously, are you okay?” Ben asked, reaching behind him to turn the lamp on. With a wince, the two adjusted to the dim light, and Clef could see the worry in Ben’s deep eyes, the green shimmering with concern. 

“I’m fine.” 

“...alright. I’m not going to press you for it. Uh… let me start the shower?” 

The shorter nodded, eyes following Kondraki as he left the room, moving across the hall to the bathroom. With a deep sigh, Alto ran a hand through his thinning hair, the strands soaked with sweat. A shower would be nice. Alone. 

Pursing his lips, he looked at the soaked bed, a muted feeling of panic and guilt shifting in his stomach. Certainly, Ben knew  _ something,  _ because this wasn’t normal. Maybe, he could sneak a Class A into coffee, make this night no more than an itch in the back of Kondraki’s mind. It would be self-defense… 

“Hey, it’s warm.” Ben called, and Clef’s guilt rose. He shouldn’t be thinking that- but he couldn’t afford…  _ it.  _ Her. She would be disappointed. She would be mad. She would be furious, and he would be- 

“Clef?”

“Uh… comin’... sorry, old knees. Don’t work like they did twenty years ago,” Alto chuckled, standing up and ignoring the tremble in his bones. With a small smile, Kondraki handed Clef a folded towel and the request to call for help if the nightmares haunted him while under the water.

Closing the door behind him, Clef stared at his reflection, at the bags under his eyes. He’d aged overnight, it seemed. 

She would be disgusted with the way he looked. She wouldn’t like this.  _ Lily.  _ The name sounded wrong in his mind, and it tasted bitter.  _ Lily,  _ and her perfectly manicured nails. Her neediness, her insistence. He ran his hand over his thigh, through his soaked pants, feeling for something. Anything- but there was nothing there, and shockingly, he hadn’t made himself bleed this time. 

It was a bad episode, and Clef had a lot to be ashamed about. He felt bad for subjecting Kondraki to it, and he knew there would inevitably be questions

(why didn’t Ben have a Hume detector in his house?), 

but they were questions for later. Kondraki respected his space, and that was something she could never do. Never thought to do. Kondraki wanted to hold his hand. To be seen with him outside the house. Wanted his opinions. That was already more than she had ever done for Clef, and it was more important than he’d ever realized.

Setting the towel down on the counter, Alto shook his head and turned to the shower, looking at the pale blue curtain, examining the small puffs of steam that snuck past the fabric. 

He wasn’t Francis, and that was what was important. 

Alto Clef took off his clothes, and let the water wash the night away. 


End file.
